Friday, March 16, 2012

Writings on the wall: When Wounded...


My birth name is Tierra.
& I'm a Feel-ist.

But Lately I've been feeling: Less.

-Closing myself off to others and to myself. I've been numb for months and I can't even begin to tell you why. I go out, smiling from ear to ear. I bubble over with laughter. & I'm screaming within.

You may see a pretty exterior. But I am not this face. I'm more.
or this body. I am more. & I like to believe that I am not of this earth.
That's debatable.

As many like to convince themselves that they have delved deep into my cosmos.
Debatable!
To that I grin a questioning grin.
A guarded grin.
...of disbelief.
...of you have not and you will not.
Not before I.
I'm getting there. 

I'm afraid of something.
& scarily, of nothing, all at once.

Walking with blind eyes.
Just walking.
Just doing shit.
Not talking.
Just hearing.
Barely listening with nearly deaf ears.

I can't consume us both.
Not now.
I can't take you in and try to swallow everything that is ME, simultaneously.
My plate is full and my utensils, meager.
I know this.
Yet I allow myself to be force fed lives upon lives.
I spend time.
Become a friend.
& then I wonder,
who's mine?

or why I don't cry.
{I haven't cried in months}
& that would make sense if I were truly happy.
But I'm not.

This must be what it's like when there's static in your soul.
& your body's electricity bill is due. ...but the money's funny.
Shit starts breaking. Nothing excites you anymore.
& you didn't pay the water bill so you can't even cry about it.

There's a disconnect.
It's time to be honest.

Time to depollute. Be selective. Protect. & Value.

I've shared time, space and energy.
I woke up today feeling spent.
Looking for purpose.

It's been a long time since I've truly given you Me. -me to myself.
& to you as well.

It's been a long time since I've written to be relieved.

..TBC
-xx

6 comments:

Addie said...

deep.

If this counts 'I am yours'
Please take care! & if u ever need a listening ear... mine are always available *huggss*

Δяяe Lee said...

so sweet, thank you. x

Anonymous said...

I think it is so cool that u can put down your feelings into words and be this clear w/ the message. I hope you get better soon... & i hope u return to being the feel-ist that you are.

Don't shut people out completely by the way. I will keep you in my prayers... try to stay positive. Everything will be okay :)

Δяяe Lee said...

I appreciate your words. Thank You.
I'll get back in shape soon.
{I'm built for hardships} :)

Thanks so much for reading.
x

pinkladysz from Saima's Salon said...

I hope you feel better soon. I'm going to share your post with my sister as she's been feeling a bit raw of late and it may help. x

Δяяe Lee said...

Thank You. x
I hope she feels better as well.